It's been a while since I tossed and turn for hours before falling asleep. I thought I would sleep in this morning but instead, I woke up earlier than usual. Thanks to insomnia, I came across an information that I didn't know what to do about (I dug my own grave on this one). Times like this, I really wish I could have had enough self control because it's true - ignorance IS bliss.
There are a million things in this world that is beyond our control. None of it really matters unless you're involved or affected by it. This piece of information has taken away my productivity and focus the entire day, and it has caused me so much anxiety. I wish there was something I could do about it, but unfortunately, this is one of the situations where it's completely out of my control.
When I'm in a position like this, insecurities creep back into my life. I'm not someone who has high self-confidence to begin with. Being able to take control of things help me stay grounded, but when I can't, my emotions and mental state gets the better of me.
Being insecure is pure torture. It's draining for yourself and whoever that's on the receiving end especially if it keeps happening again and again. All this while, I blame it on others for the way I feel because it's like the consequence of someone else's action. Also it didn't help that I've came across so many articles that always implies that the root of insecurities that we feel is caused by someone else.
While that's true to a certain extend, but what happens if that 'someone' is a person from the past? Or like in my case, I'm feeling insecure because I brought that to myself.
There's a saying that goes "don't let your past ruin something beautiful", and I agree. But for that to happen, one must be able to trust that the present is nothing like the past. And that's where I'm stuck. I lack faith, and all I could think of are how things are not going to be okay.
I began to reflect and wonder, what if the root of our own insecurities come from our own unresolved matters. Instead of fixing ourselves, we unintentionally punish the ones who care the most, and they end up paying the price for something someone else did. One thing that I've learnt from therapy is to find the root to why we feel or think the way we do - even if it's something traumatic or hurtful.
Growing up, I've been betrayed and belittled countless of times. I felt like whatever little confidence that was left in me was stripped away. It was such a tough journey getting back up, and I'm still trying everyday. I know the cause of my insecurities and it has nothing to do with people in my present life. While being mindful about that, I try my best not to hurt others with a 'problem' that I have, but I end up suffering alone, in my thoughts.
Today has made me realised that nobody can help me overcome this but myself. I needed a direction, something to tell me that my hunch was right - that it's possible to be insecure because of ourselves. And I found this article. It felt like it was written based on my life.
For once, I'm so done with myself. I'm tired of being and feeling this way, and it's time to drop my past baggage completely. I know I won't bounce back right away, but things have got to start changing, and it starts with me.
And I need to learn to trust, and have faith. Even if things really doesn't work out, I need to have faith that it's alright.
Sincerely, Mels
