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Making this decision was conflicting in so many ways. I wanted to stay, but I had to go. I was comfortable in an environment that has been my constant for the past two and a half years. Moving from a job that you're doing so well requires a different level of courage, and I did that.

When I first tendered my resignation, nothing felt real. I had about 2 months left in the company but during that period of time, it didn't feel at all that I was going to leave the place soon. It's only natural for me to still give my best because I'm not someone who does things half-heartedly - no matter the situation.

As my last day drew nearer, I started feeling anxious all over again because things were getting really real. I was leaving for real. And I dreaded the anxiety that I knew that was going to come back. I've not felt so anxious since my advertising days, and it feels like I'm back to square one. But it was my decision.

Up till today, I have about 10 more days before embarking on my new journey, I still wonder if I made the right decision. I stay up at night and wake up early in the morning think about it. What if it's a wrong decision? What if I get thrown in a worse environment? And the list goes on and on. But at the same time, I know there's no chance for someone in her mid-twenties to decide to stay with a company for the rest of her life. This change had to come sooner or later, and it just happens to be now.

It was a decision between staying in my comfort zone, keeping my anxieties at bay vs chasing what I want and what I think I deserve. It was a tough call but I'm well on my way towards the decision I've chosen. And it's happening really soon with or without my dear friend, anxiety. So, I've been drowning myself with hours of Sims and thank God for Disney+ that's finally in Malaysia!

The past 2.5 years had taught me so much. It has toughen me up personally and professionally, opened my eyes to the real world, picked up skills that I never knew existed and most importantly, the importance of self-upskilling to keep moving forward. I've made so many friendships along the way, and I think that is what I will miss the most. It's like we're a little family over there, and I'm not so sure if I'll ever get that again elsewhere.

My younger self would never have imagined for myself to work with a floral company for 2.5 years, but I did. And it was a pit stop in life that I'll never have it any other way.

Here's to the next chapter!
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It's been a while since I tossed and turn for hours before falling asleep. I thought I would sleep in this morning but instead, I woke up earlier than usual. Thanks to insomnia, I came across an information that I didn't know what to do about (I dug my own grave on this one). Times like this, I really wish I could have had enough self control because it's true - ignorance IS bliss.

There are a million things in this world that is beyond our control. None of it really matters unless you're involved or affected by it. This piece of information has taken away my productivity and focus the entire day, and it has caused me so much anxiety. I wish there was something I could do about it, but unfortunately, this is one of the situations where it's completely out of my control.

When I'm in a position like this, insecurities creep back into my life. I'm not someone who has high self-confidence to begin with. Being able to take control of things help me stay grounded, but when I can't, my emotions and mental state gets the better of me.

Being insecure is pure torture. It's draining for yourself and whoever that's on the receiving end especially if it keeps happening again and again. All this while, I blame it on others for the way I feel because it's like the consequence of someone else's action. Also it didn't help that I've came across so many articles that always implies that the root of insecurities that we feel is caused by someone else.

While that's true to a certain extend, but what happens if that 'someone' is a person from the past? Or like in my case, I'm feeling insecure because I brought that to myself.

There's a saying that goes "don't let your past ruin something beautiful", and I agree. But for that to happen, one must be able to trust that the present is nothing like the past. And that's where I'm stuck. I lack faith, and all I could think of are how things are not going to be okay.

I began to reflect and wonder, what if the root of our own insecurities come from our own unresolved matters. Instead of fixing ourselves, we unintentionally punish the ones who care the most, and they end up paying the price for something someone else did. One thing that I've learnt from therapy is to find the root to why we feel or think the way we do - even if it's something traumatic or hurtful.

Growing up, I've been betrayed and belittled countless of times. I felt like whatever little confidence that was left in me was stripped away. It was such a tough journey getting back up, and I'm still trying everyday. I know the cause of my insecurities and it has nothing to do with people in my present life. While being mindful about that, I try my best not to hurt others with a 'problem' that I have, but I end up suffering alone, in my thoughts.

Today has made me realised that nobody can help me overcome this but myself. I needed a direction, something to tell me that my hunch was right - that it's possible to be insecure because of ourselves. And I found this article. It felt like it was written based on my life.

For once, I'm so done with myself. I'm tired of being and feeling this way, and it's time to drop my past baggage completely. I know I won't bounce back right away, but things have got to start changing, and it starts with me.

And I need to learn to trust, and have faith. Even if things really doesn't work out, I need to have faith that it's alright.

Sincerely, Mels
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If I were to describe 2020 in 1 word, that would be ‘tangled’.


I would have posted this piece up sooner if I hadn’t written a second version of it. When I first wrote the first draft, it felt personal and got super emotional before I finished it. It was a piece filled with heartfelt thoughts and emotions that I’ve been bottling up, and penning it down had helped me enough to put things in a different perspective. I’ll always have that raw piece to look back, but here’s one to keep this blog alive.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s ‘highlight’ of 2020 would be our first encounter of a ‘lockdown’ due to the pandemic. But for me, 2020 was a year I felt stuck with life (still am). There were many things that I wanted to achieve, but all I got was disappointment again and again. I was impressed with how much I persevered through it all when my younger self would have just run away from everything.



Perhentian Islands - Aug 2020
 
Despite all the bad that happened, there were plenty of silver linings. My trip to Shanghai and Sydney became a year I explored more of Malaysia. I finally revisited Langkawi after 21 years and had my first road trip to the east coast - Perhentian Islands in Terengganu. I found my courage to finally snorkelled, spotted a turtle, and stayed on a crystal-clear-water island for an entire week. I had to put up with my frizzy hair (because there was no hairdryer) and had everything fit into only one backpack. I thought I wouldn’t have liked it, but surprise surprise!



Penang - June 2020

I’ve heard of situations where relationships were strained when MCO happened - including one of my closest friends’. But I’m grateful that it turned out otherwise for me - I found love again in the midst of a pandemic #covidlovebirds It was something unexpected, but I’m glad it happened. I’m happy to have found someone who loves travelling as much as I do (probably even more), cooks better than I do and as nonsensical as I am.



2020 was also a year that I was overwhelmed with work. Whenever someone checks up on me, I would always answer that I was busy with work. It was a challenging period juggling so many things at once, but I’m glad that I grew through it - both professionally and personally. Full time work aside, I'm glad to have been able to model for a friend's business and have my very first ballet photoshoot.



I also found some time to read, uploaded a few piano covers on YouTube and updated this dead blog with a random piece that I thought of during quarantine and also a cafe review (sort of). Although it wasn’t much, at least there’s progress rather than none at all.



Before the year ended, I'm glad to be able to reunite with the fam. Although Christmas was a tad different last year, but it was still as meaningful as ever.

I’m pretty sure I’ve also learnt to see the good in every bad situation because it’s evident in this piece. And I guess that’s one of the things that kept me going in 2020, but now that I look back, it felt like I was self-pacifying. While it’s okay to do that, to comfort ourselves and be grateful for all that we are and have, there are things that will need to change this year.


With that, I found my word for 2021 - Courage.


I’m someone who fears change because of the uncertainty that comes with it. I would overthink and put too much focus on the bad rather than the good. Without change, my 2021 reflection piece would probably be how stuck I am with life all over again.

So, here’s to embracing change, and be courageous through everything.

Sincerely, Mels

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Melissa Tan | Lifestyle Blogger
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Work with me - melissakttan95@gmail.com

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